As I've grown, I've become increasingly aware of myself and how I fit into this "world" around me. I've questioned over and over if this is really it? Is life as mundane and dull as it can be portrayed to be? I hear it all the time in reference to the daily grind. That saying "it's just the way it is". But is reality just the way it is? Or have we just accepted it as this is the way it is? And do we have the power to inflenece the current world we live in? All the awful things we are starting to really become conscious of. War, enslavement, poverty, homelessness, the abuse of the drug system, fake fake and more fake news, corruption of polictics, healthcare, governments and education, rich greedy inhuman men trying to control the world, taking away our freedom of speech, choice, and humanity. And those feelings I had about the world led to my first post, the chameleon soul. And to really get a sense of why this writing is so odd. You probably have to read the first post I did again. And sometimes I find that reading things twice, you do see things you didn't before. Over my life It's like I became programmed to accept the negativity the "system" wanted me to be part of. I started to question, have I been conditioned/brainwashed to almost perceive the world as a simple we're born and we die regime? Loosing my mum shifted my perception of death, it created the opportunity in my life to look deeper at who I was as a whole complex being. I wanted to believe the world wasn't as simple as I once thought. I think it would be easier some days if that was really the truth, that life is simple. It can be frustrating at times to be in a world that you feel totally connected too but doesnt see you. .................... So, this month I turned 25. Ive found this milestone one of the most odd. Because I don't really feel like it means anything. And don't get me wrong I love birthdays. I love the excuse to get everyone together that I love but I've questioned what my age actually means to me? What's the point? The only thing my age represents is the time that I've been alive. A celebration of birth, and coming into the world. This tiny little human alien that was born 25 years ago. For so many years it became about the big party or the big presents. And for the first time in a long time I've realised it's never been about that at all. I had simply forgotten why my birthday was worth celebrating. A quarter of a century ago, I took my first breath and opened my eyes for the first time. And just like every other soul born into a human body I was completely and totally brand new to this world. When I think about the day I was born, I have no memories before 2/3 years old and even those memories are sketchy. I remember events and moments but I don't have any sense of self from those years. Even though since birth I have always ultimately been 'me'. Each moment I've experienced has happened to me but I don't remember the majority of my adolescent life. I know that as we grow older there is more of life to compare it to but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have some sense of self throughout life. I have now realised that people who believe in all this stuff.. call it 'being asleep'. Only when we truly wake up do we shift into a totally new perception of what life is, and more importantly what it could be.
I've always imagined that I was a blank baby canvas. The impression that I had no personality and no expectations or desires the day I was born. Because how could I? I was just a baby. I had literally been grown in the womb for 9 months. There was nothing there to begin with? But when I differentiated between my body and my soul it made me question everything about myself.
I feel we are given part of our identity the day we first come into the world and I think this makes shifting into conciousness a difficult task. Some people are born into completely complex almost parallel worlds. Poverty and extreme wealth or white skin and black skin. The odds are set the second we are all born, and that in some ways is an 'identity'. In theory we are all the same at birth, so if we have part of our identity already is it fair to say we are entirely ourselves? For example I'll use my life. I was named Holly. I took my Dad's family name, Allen. I was from an Italian, Irish, french, Romanian and British background. Part Church of England, part catholic, middle class family. My skin was white and I was born in London. So my start in life was already in some ways decided for me. I automatically had a head start over one person and I was an underdog to another. Those elements of my life contributed to my identity. They influenced the direction that my life went in. Some in a valuable way. Hurdles that I overcame because of my life and they have taught me lessons I am grateful for. But this identity wasn't entirely all my own. I always wonder if in the life before this one, we take part in making a choice for our next life. Which when you think about it, would make all the hurdles we experience purposeful and I suppose I'm able too see them as lessons rather than obstacles now days.
I love the quote "it's about the journey, not the destination". It really explains the concept of the human experience for me. Imagine the concept we've come into this world with a purpose, one that's already part of who we are. With one of the soul purpsoses of this human experience being able to connect to our higher selves. To gain a deep and inner understanding of our being. Which in turn allows us to successfully leave the human experience learning all the lessons we chose to. So that, maybe when our time is complete in this life we have used a very small fragment in time to become part of a bigger wider concept.
What happens when the environment in which the human experience is currently taking place is misleading the soul from its purpose. You can't find a purpose you don't even know you need to look for. So the more I thought about my own life, and how I had arrived where I was. The life I once imagined had been my own could actually be the result of an identity that wasn't entirely my true self. Imagine the idea of yourself being wrapped in layer after layer of camouflage. And after time, you get this suffocation and total fog over your real self. You could be yourself from day one you just don't realise what that means. These layers represent the camoflague of the chameleon soul. These visual layers are products of environment. Generally I believe we get divided by social class, race, religion, gender ect because its the easiest way to distract us. Dividing a worldwide population by our physical and material reality. And if you teach us that that is the only reality we truely believe it. But if you stripped away all of those different layers of yourself and everyone you know. What's left is the only thing we truly are. When you take away all the visible material layers of ourselves we have no choice to see ourselves as we are.
I havent ever felt more detached from those camouflagues. As soon as I started to break down these layers, all the things that I believed defined me, no longer did.
For 12 years I used to mess with my food and my body and that was called anorexia. I have the same feelings that caused my illness over a decade ago but they don't manifest into disordered thought processes because I have an understanding of why they happen. So as the camouflage of 12 years of my identity as anorexic Holly fell away from me. I asked myself if I'm not her, then who am I? I've learned that those things just gave me the illusion of my own identity. Once I realised these layers didn't define me, letting go was a whole lot easier. I started to realise that I could see these layers on people around me too.
I truly believe that the soul is consistently sending messages to us from birth. Our instincts as human beings are compassion, love healing and empathy. But maybe, we aren't quite 'awake' so these messages manifest into us asking ourselves the same questions I've asked myself. Who am I? What am I doing? Why am I here? Where am I going?
Over my life ive asked the same inner questions, over and over. Often in different formats and at different stages in life but ive always been ultimatley asking the same thing. And I truely believe every other person feels the frustration and desire to know the answer to these questions. One second you think you know, then you don't. Who can blame us in a world so confusing and backwards? In my own head I've always been looking for answers. But life always seemed to distract me from ever finding them. Bumbling along though life, because that was just the way it was. I just never felt that 'whole' feeling. I'm pretty adoment that my mental illness was a manifestation of my soul being totally and completely fucking lost. I was always somehow distracted by everything else going on in the world that I didn't ever look within myself for answers. Deep down I felt comfortable with what I knew and I didnt want to believe it was anything more. It was uncomfortbale to believe I was more than I was. I hoped I would wake up one day and find a simple answer to a complex question. And what I thought others thought of me was how I identified a huge part of who I was because I thought I had nothing else. My physical appearance was my only way to express my emotion, inside. But after being 11st-4st I now know, none of that really matters. I still never seemed to get any closer to the answers no matter how much or how little there was of 'me' but when I reaslised I was literally looking for something I already had. I was aware of myself more each day. That I was a whole thing already. Something changed in my life once I stopped looking for the answer to all my questions. It wasn't that I didn't know who I was, It was that I knew who I wasn't. Because I'm never the same or different. I'm literally just who I am. All the layers of life portry themselves as identity. The important thing for us to do is to recognise the difference between identity and true self. I feel that the world over my life has contributed to these layers that I ignorantly wear at times. I have always felt trapped or lacked freedom to be who I truely wanted. No matter how free the world told me I was, I never felt it. Beginning the jounrey to eliviate myself of these layers is my true freedom. I believe there are elements of our reality that secretly contribute to the layers of camouflage we all possess.
They can cause that much distraction and confusion that we don't even realise they are systematically changing our way of life. We have become so accepting of our lives that we perceive that nothing is wrong. By living In ignorance we are allowing this world to materialise as it does. Because what does it really mean to be a human being? How are so many inhuman practices taking place in a world populated by humans.
I think it's a good time to make a point. I'm not a scientist, quantum mechanic or theorist in anyway. I just like to write down my thoughts and I think it's good to share the fact it's ok to feel different. The way I felt as a person became more confusng the older I got. As a child I didn't understand why when we only get one life, it was this... shitty? I had always asked. Why do kids have to die? Why do people allow war to happen? Why do we hurt other living things so much? And I knew at the time there were others less fortunate than me and I felt that I should be 'grateful' for what I had in that moment and I knew at the time I felt grateful, and it wasn't that I wanted 'more' but I wanted something else. Always. I didn't understand the logic of my own life. But the way I felt was real. As real as anything else in my life. But why from the ages of probably 13-20 didn't I feel a connection to my presence in this 'Life'? Why didn't I see the point in 'me'. I never seemed to appreciate the moment of just being myself. I was so aware of either how young or old I was. At 18 I was supposed to have my life sorted out and be an adult. yeah fucking right. I think I'd only just got out of a nhs mental health unit. Where I'd completed super mario and done key stage 3 crafts for 4 months. I wasn't really concentrting on getting my forever career.
Like a lot of other people, a critical part of my life had been spent punishing myself for simply being who I was. Or who I thought I was. I couldn't even think about eating off a plate let alone live this life I was supposed to be living. My life was in no way together at any point. It still isn't. which wasn't/isn't ever the issue. It was the expectation that it had to be. This 'standard' that we should live by in which we should constantly accept It's just the way it is. It really is ok, to not be ok.
I literally accepted the reality that we are born, go to school, to get a job, and not nessasirly a job that we love. To then work the majority of our lives because everything is so fucking expensive, to then be so gracefully gifted with 20 years (if you're lucky) of retirement. To what live off £100 a week? To then have to sell your house, that you paid for, plus the interest. To pay for your carehome because you've got an illness that's means you can't stay at home, an illness should I mention that probably could have been treated holistically or prevented 40 years ago. And all of that is if you live that long? And that reality is if you are living in a first world country and got lucky. If you live in a world that convinces you that you have to constantly better yourself with materialistic egos do we become convinced that's the purpose of life. There's no denying that we all have a craft, skill and purpose that will contribute to the world but thats not working 40/50 hours per week to achieve an enslaved concept of freedom. Do we really ever question why we do it? And is it really what our true self would choose?
Money as a concept is just something on a whole other level so ill maybe write about that one day but the acquisition of money can never ever replace having freedom. My time, is invaluable when I'm doing somthing that I love. Doing a job for minimum wage that you don't enjoy simply because you have to just doesn't sound right? That's not my purpose or anyone else's i don't believe. I don't want to live a life based on how much I'm worth because I believe that my soul like everyone else's was never here to earn living. It's not about how much we earn. It's about what we gain by giving it away. What does my job give me apart from money? We already have everything we need. We are all part of a natural system. We all have a role to play. We need teachers, doctors, and everyone else in our communities. The ecomony we live in is us, it only exisists because we do. The money part is just something we've evolved to believe is needed. We forget that we arent only a part of it, we're fuelling it. Couldn't everyone accomplish there purpose without the sacrifice of others happiness? Do we just believe there is only a straight simple road to happiness? When In fact it's a complicated and extraordinary journey that takes as long as we need it too. The big house, the fancy car, money in the bank , the luxury holidays, the outer layers that are not our true selves. Those are the things that fall away and by allowing them to do that we can influence the way the world works for everyone. Not just us as individuals. The average life span of a human being acorss the world is 71 years. The lowest is 50 the highsest is 80. Not really that long when you start talking about space and billions of light years. We are literally a spec and its hard to get a balance between I'm nothing and I'm Everything.
When I look back, I'm never quite sure how I've got here to be truthful. It feels like my life has lasted no longer than a Lord of the Rings film but then I have this feeing that ive been me longer than I remember. So who am I to say when I began my journey.
I believe the soul is ageless. It has no aging process. Only the reality we can see withers and dies. Our bodies are temporary shells for our true being. That same first breath we all took from the world the day we were born. So how do we end up so upside and backwards when it comes to our perceptions of ourselves and our place in the world? I think it's quite evident that the world is showing a huge amount of cracks. Conspiracy theories are now being revealed as in fact true theories that have been hidden from us. It's becomes more apparent that the 'world' isn't as it seems. People feel scared and uneasy. I believe the world needs us to evolve to higher level of where we are right now. We can't go on allowing our world to literally fall apart. And all you have to do is go out into the world and look for the truth. We have so much to learn about ourselves. It's already happening all over the planet. As a worldwide population of people are using love to combat the inhuman world we've awoken in. People are saying "no", we do not want to live this way. And when we realise we don't have to live this way, the power that imprisons us has no power. Because they feed off our sorrow. To change this we can shed our own perceptions of life, be aware, listen, and question everyday. Although the world is broken in places, the cracks are there to let the light in. We can combat this constant pressure to be where/what we should, when 'society' says that's where we should be.
For years I watched people close to me lose themselves in this world we live in. Including myself. Weighed down and tired of this heavy life. Consumed by our desires to feel whole when we aready are. You'll never find it whilst your looking.
Once I realised inside me was something in everyone I realised the only way to start is to become aware. Awareness gives us the power to change, and if we change so does the world. The funniest thing about a shift in conciseness is that in fact we don't actually change. We are already everything we needed to be it's just our new found awareness of it that feels new.
I wish people would take the time to recognise layers of themselves. Realise there strength, see there true beauty, that they question absolutely everything they don't understand. Don't allow anyone or anything to mould who you are. Realise that they are enough. Birthdays are a good way to stop and reflect. Time is just there to ground us. Seconds, minutes, hours, days and years. To give us something to keep count of. Age Is there to remind me of the journey im currently on. To celebrate my birth and the potential we all have to co create a world even more beautiful than this one.
What I've learnt is don't become so distracted by the questions of life. Who am I? What am I? Where am I going? Because we can easily loose our true selves in the idea that we aren't whole to begin with. If you've asked these questions like me, then you are already on the jounrey. The true answers are held in the very place these questions are manifesting from. Life isn't about arriving at a black and white answer. It's about realising you have always had the answers. Because no matter how far our reality is from our true selves, the answers to those questions never change.
"The point of life is not to get anywhere-It is to not otice that you are, and have always been, already there."
